It took a while...

It takes me a while to learn. Probably longer than most. Then again, I am a quick learner when it comes to sports and dance and learning lines. But I am talking more in terms of life. I will make the same mistake a couple of times until it gets to me. I feel like I am constantly searching for something to show me what path to take because I feel like the world is offering so many different things to me at the moment. I want to be a great actress, but what does that mean? I want to be a sick dancer, but how do I show it? Dancing around in class only does so much. And then I really think about it and I understand. I am 21 years old. I graduated from a college environment earlier than I would have if I went to a four year university. I grew up quite quickly. At my choice and my discretion but still, it doesn't mean that I know exactly what I am doing. The opposite. I am constantly changing my mind, learning new things, evolving, wanting more, wanting something else. I guess that never goes away, well I hope it doesn't because that is what drives me. That need to constantly create new obstacles and lessons for myself in order to grow and create a life. I guess I sometimes wish I could be successful right this second and grow and evolve as an independent strong successful woman. Coming from the middle east where that is not extremely common, that is why it is so important to me. I want to be that woman that our culture steers you away from RIGHT NOW. I almost can hardly wait to just be her. But why do I not know how to? I work hard, and am always busy with things, yet I am not at that place.
What is so funny. is that independent and successful are two words I always misspell.

Neither Heaven Nor Earth!! Opens tonight 8pm at the New School theatre on 151 bank street!!! Don't miss it! www.poliglottheater.org for tix. Ask me for discount codes

Doing things out of character isn't bad. Doing things that are within the limitations of you character is. Don't limit yourself. Take chances, make mistakes, risks. Just fucking go for it, fall on your face, break some bones. I promise it will be ok. Its good for you.

How important is sleep? I have hardly slept in the last few days and I am tired yes but I kind of like this feeling and am thinking of not sleeping much tonight. But I look like shit and am acting like a bit of a creeper.
Wow. Funny. Writing this made me realize how utterly exhausted I am. My body and mind actually just told me to stop fucking moving and chill out.
Today was great though. Performed for 1st grade kiddies in the morning and am now in rehearsal till midnight.. I really love being this busy.
Best thing about today though was this.

A kid came up to me after the performance and said
"When I grow up, I want to be a Chemisist, a Paleontologist, a Movie Star, a Rock Star and a Warrior. KEEP PEACE! (With some hand sign)".

They inspire me. Think about how when you were a kid and you used to have all these dreams and aspirations for your future like nothing can stop you. I love that. So much.

Do you ever put yourself in a situation where you feel so comfortable you have to say something that makes you absolutely vulnerable? And then once you say it, you get this weird out of breath kind of feeling- its extremely subtle though. I don't really know for sure what it is but..I think. That moment. That's when you realize, that you don't quite know yourself.

Not paying attention on the subway doesn't mean you're a new yorker, it means you're not.

Screw me. I suck. And instead of making it somewhere in 10 minutes. It is taking me an HOUR!!

Lesson learned? Stop playing with blackberry.

Time on public transport should be used to people watch. Get inspiration. Eyes up, on the stops and during transit you can be nosy and snoop in on peoples lives and personalities.

And great, yet another train that passes that is not mine.

Everyone keeps leaning over the yellow line to see if the train is coming. I do it too. Why? I don't know. It surely doesn't make it go faster.

Now I'm happy, someone next to me decided to start singing.

I hate you mta.

People relate body pain to emotion. When complaining about my right shoulder this past week I have gotten multiple explanations from several people. But one person said something today that stuck. One side of your body is your mothers side and the other your father. The minute he said that, I understood.

Our bodies are smart. Don't take them for granted. Take care of yourself and they will respond. Your body is not just flesh bones and muscle, it is a living breathing part of you just like your brain and heart. Just because it is easier to relate to symbols (brain-thought, heart-feelings), we sometimes forget that hand and palms and wrists are so intimate and full of emotion.

Gluten vs Non Gluten

I see my food allergies as more than what they are.
I think it is my need to overdo things. Let me explain.
When something is gluten free, I will eat more of it. Cupcake, bread etc.
When it includes gluten. Because of the affect I know it has on me, I avoid it, or if I cheat I have it once in a while.
So wouldn't I be healthier if I just avoided the sugar filled gluten free products and stuck with cheating once in a while?

probably...

But I have this sugar addiction that I can't give up and to me abusing gluten free foods is like abusing pot. And cheating once in a while is like doing the occasional rec drug. Make sense?

So the best thing to do would be to do none of it. OR to stop gluten free consumption all together and cheat once in a while.

Because I sort of think my body runs on sugar, not oxygen.

that was kind of annoying wasn't it.

Happily ever after

What have we learned from fairy tales, disney movies and cartoons?

To trust strangers (Timone and Pumba)
Fall in love at first sight
Put love above all else
Sing about how you feel
Want what you can't have
Live with 7 strange men
All dogs go to heaven
Don't sit on walls because you will break and no one will be able to fix you
Don't cry wolf
Honey is the yummiest of all yummies
Surround yourself with people that are as weird as you are
Make friends with animals, they can talk
Enemies can become best friends
Take risks
The Lady will fall in love with the Tramp
All the woman are perfect looking
A spoon full os sugar makes the medicine go down
Believing your dream is a reality

to be continued..

Poor Wishes

"You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you get what you need"
Needing and wanting, are they meant to be different? Why? Because we don't want what we necessarily need? I think we want things because we need them. But we don't allow ourselves to believe we need it because of what can happen to us if we don't get it. When you want someone to love you, you make yourself believe that it is selfish or not worth thinking that you need it. Because needing love is weak right? Desperate? Needing success is bullshit right? Because you can live happily ever after being mediocre or satisfied with "okay-ness". fuck that. I think needing things make them more powerful. Makes you more powerful. Let yourself need something and feel like you are dying when you don't get it. Then you'll need something even more and fight even harder just so you don't feel that way ever again. If you don't ache for something and sacrifice a part of you to get it then you're not really living. Who gives a shit if you fail. Stop worrying about who will judge you if you don't get it or if you don't deserve it. The only person that can judge you is yourself, and even then try not to. It's easier said than done and this is not coming from a person that is good at this. But I believe that it is okay to allow yourself to need people, things, goals, accomplishments, love, jealousy, hate, food, chocolate, clothes,sex, money, hunger, loneliness. Yes, sometimes you need things that make you feel like shit or selfish. That's what makes needing things that are "good" for you even more worth while. Who is to say what's good or bad anyway. But thats another conversation.